An Eating Disorder Guide to Thanksgiving
It’s Thanksgiving, and I’m not thankful!
Just kidding I am very thankful but Thanksgiving can be a really hard day.
Two years ago I was discharged from residential eating disorder treatment on the 23rd and the very next day on the 24th was Thanksgiving. It was TERRIFYING!! I was expected to be recovered and my relationship with food was supposed to be healed yet the very last thing I wanted to do was eat some turkey and mashed potatoes.
You know what is in mashed potatoes?!
Potatoes!!
I’m freaking so scared of potatoes.
There are a lot of aspects of Thanksgiving that can make it a stressful or uncomfortable day for some people, and you never know who around you could be affected. You don’t have to be diagnosed with an eating disorder to experience anxiety around food. I’ve had my fair share of holiday seasons somewhere along the wide spectrum of disordered to recovered so I wanted to make a post sharing what I have learned. Whether you are struggling yourself, are in the support circle of a loved one, or just want to be more informed, hopefully, there is something here that you can take away!
If you are feeling anxious about Thanksgiving, here is my advice
The most important thing to remember is that you are allowed to voice your needs and communicate your boundaries. I understand this can feel intimidating and scary but no one can be supportive or mindful if they don’t know the whats whys or hows. Give the people in your life the opportunity to learn and support you. Most people want to, they just don’t know how. It’s said so often but it really is so true that communication is key.
Have a plan and communicate that plan!! Don’t go into it just turkey-winging it. (I tried to make a festive joke) If control plays a large part in your relationship with food, a plan is necessary to help you feel like you are still in control. There are other days when you can practice spontaneity, Thanksgiving doesn’t have to be one of them. Decide what will make the day easiest for you and then let the people around you know so they can prepare too. You can incorporate anything talked about below into your plan.
It can be just another day. Obviously the main focus of the day is the meal, but that doesn’t have to be your main focus! If being a part of the planning, cooking, or preparing is too much for you that’s okay! Understand your limits and decide how much of the day can be food involved. You don’t have to be in the kitchen all morning and you don’t have to linger around the table all evening. Again communicating this to the people you’ll be spending the holiday with can help them understand and support. Maybe you can’t show up early, maybe you need to put the food away once people are done, maybe you have to take a separate car in case you need to casserole out early. (That’s my last one I swear) Nothing says your whole day has to be occupied by the food.
Involve yourself in other things. At its core Thanksgiving is about gratitude, try to focus on that! Instead of counting calories try counting blessings. There is a quote I love that goes, “If you want to find happiness, find gratitude.”
Connecting with others can also bring you back into the world and out of the fear. Talk to a family member or friend, play a game, go on a walk, watch a movie or read a book, start a puzzle, message someone you haven’t talked to in a while, find some way to distract your mind!
Stay off the internet. Oh my gosh stay off the internet!! Social media algorithms promote and push eating disorder content if it senses engagement with such content. If you are anything like me I have a hard time not falling down that rabbit hole and clicking from one post to the next. Avoiding anything that will trigger or upset you is your best bet for the holiday.
Take breaks and check in. Before grabbing your plate, during the meal, after the meal, or whenever you need to, you can give yourself a moment. I have found that going slow always works out better for me. If you feel urgency or panic around food, that is the result of a hyperactive amygdala. When that part of your brain really turns on, the rational part becomes less responsive. You can tap back into your rational brain by slowing down or taking a break. Have a few deep breaths and check in with yourself. Acknowledge what feelings you are having. If you are worried about hunger fullness cues, take a break, and after 10-20 minutes try to tell how full you feel. You can even bring a journal if writing out your experience helps you to better process it. Try to be more mindful than usual and really acknowledge what sensations are happening inside your brain and your body.
Follow your meal plan. Thanksgiving brings a lot of food and a lot of options. Maybe you are at the point of recovery where you feel confident with a little more freedom or maybe the freedom isn’t realistic yet. Like I said before it can be just another meal. You don’t have to try everything if you don’t want to. You don’t have to have a million sides or challenge your biggest fear foods. If it is helpful, let someone know what your normal meal plan looks like and have them help you plate what would be equivalent. Remember you are still in control of your food, your food isn’t in control of you.
Wear something that you feel good in. Very few things trigger me like a pair of pants that feel too tight. Bodies naturally bloat and change throughout the day as we eat. Wear something that can comfortably adjust to those changes. This doesn’t mean you have to show up in baggy sweats and a hoodie but pick something that is both comfortable and makes you feel confident!
Understand your triggers and stay away! If photos of yourself trigger you, request that photos of you aren’t taken. Don’t step on that scale, don’t engage in any diet talk, if you know it will make you feel worse, have the strength to just not do it!
No calorie-saving or restrictive mindset. Nothing good could come from going into a big meal starving. This is setting yourself up for failure. Regardless of what those around you are doing or what you have done in the past, choose to fuel your body properly leading up to Thanksgiving. If you approach the food with a restrictive mindset you lower your ability to listen to your body. You are already wanting more when you haven’t even had any. If instead you approach the meal with food liberty and freedom you are likely to eat what feels good and stay in control.
For those supporting here are a few pieces of advice
Listen to their plan and try your best to support it. Look I know people with eating disorders sound absolutely crazy. I am allowed to say this because I have an eating disorder. I understand what is happening in my brain about 20% of the time so I do not at all expect the people around me to. In my experience though it hasn’t been about the understanding but the willingness. My dad will never understand what it feels like having anxiety over butter on green beans but he has been willing to meet me where I need to be met. Buttered beans is something I am still not able to challenge but he helps me challenge the things I am currently capable of. Listening is more important than fixing. Eating disorders take a long time to “fix” but listening to the needs of your loved one can help them on their journey of healing. Be willing to accept what might seem unusual to you and meet them where they need to be met.
Avoid talk of food/weight/diets. If you are questioning whether or not something is appropriate to say at Thanksgiving, my best advice is simply not to say it. There is so much more we can talk about that doesn’t have anything to do with food or bodies. If you notice someone's weight loss or gain, don’t mention it. If there is a new diet you are fascinated by, Thanksgiving doesn’t need to be the time to share it. Try to avoid labeling foods as good or bad and be open to the idea that all foods can fit. Food has no moral value and assigning it one gives it way more power than it deserves. Food can just be food and it can be enjoyed. Bodies are just bodies and there is always something more interesting about a person than that. We have been conditioned by society to talk way too much about these things that really have such minimal importance.
Be the one to initiate engagement. My mom has become so good at this! She recognizes when I start to slip into my eating disorder and makes an effort to pull me out. When food becomes really overwhelming it can be hard for the person who is overwhelmed to take the first step. If you institute a change in the situation it can help bring them back to the present moment. You can be helpful by starting a new conversation, offering to go on a walk, getting a game going, or asking if they’d like to talk about what they’re feeling.
Validate!! Let your loved one know they are loved! Show them that you see them and their struggle. Remind them that it is okay if it’s a hard day. Have compassion and encourage them to exercise compassion for themselves, especially if things don’t go according to plan.
The reality is it may not go the way you want, or they want it to for them. Regardless of what happens, you can be there to remind and encourage them to get back on track with the next meal or next snack. One day isn’t make or break.
That is one thing that I think is so important to remember when it comes to food. Your body and your life cannot be ruined by one meal. There is no possible way a piece of pie or an extra roll can add 10 pounds. And there is no way your recovery can be completely ruined by a day where you yield to restriction. However the day ends up going there is always the next day to get back on the right track.
To those struggling and those supporting I say, try your best. It may be hard, it may be difficult, but with every challenge comes an opportunity for growth. Recovery is all about getting outside your comfort zone. Educating yourself on eating disorders may also require you to get outside your comfort zone or attempt to see things differently. As much as I wish eating disorders, and all mental illness for that matter, could just vanish from existence, I am grateful for the ways in which our trials allow us to learn.
I am grateful for the joy that follows sadness
the hope that follows grief
the connection that follows vulnerability.
I am grateful that in this life, there are hard things because beautiful things often come from hard things.
It’s Thanksgiving, and I AM Thankful!
It’s Thanksgiving GO EAT THE DAMN FOOD! <3
(feel free to message or email me for more support resources or a copy of my Thanksgiving plan)