When will I feel normal again?

Hello to anyone who reads my blog!! I have taken a small break from posting just because life has been busy the past couple of months. If you have come back to read, welcome, thank you, and I appreciate you.

I have wanted to write about this for a while in the hopes of helping someone who feels as alone as I do about their complicated relationship with food.

Let me tell you about a fascinating experiment conducted by a group of scientists in Minnesota.

The Minnesota Starvation Experiment was conducted in the early 1940s to learn how starvation affects an individual. The subjects used for this experiment were healthy adult males who exhibited no mental illness or previous issues with food. Not only did they have to exemplify strength in mind and body, but the individuals selected were also judged on their overall politeness and ability to get along with others.

Each man was placed on a restrictive diet of 1,570 calories each day for a total of 6 months. Following those 6 months, there was a controlled rehabilitation period of 3 months and then an 8-week free-for-all period with no limits on food or caloric intake. The results from this study give us immense insight into how starvation can dramatically affect the brain and body.

Now, keep in mind these men were semi-starved for a period of 6 months. Individuals suffering from anorexia can be anywhere on a large and vast scale, some even suffering for years at a much more restrictive level. The experiment’s results give us a mere insight into just the beginning of what people in recovery may be experiencing.

There were obviously physical changes throughout the experiment, such as weight fluctuations during the different stages, development of gastrointestinal issues, hair loss, cold intolerance, overall low energy and low morale, insomnia, and muscle deterioration. However, what I want to focus on is the cognitive, behavioral, and emotional changes that were observed.

Let’s begin with the discoveries during the restrictive period. While the subjects were actively restricting their calories, the scientists found that each of the men became completely obsessed with food. It was all the men could think about and talk about. It became the focal point of their every day.

I remember during my restriction feeling absolutely insane because of how food-obsessed I was. Never eating it, but constantly looking at it, making it for other people, and dreaming of it even in my sleep. Every spare minute of my time was taken up by food in some way or another, and for these men, it was the same. Some even started collecting recipes, religiously reading cookbooks, and seeking out any source of food media they could find.

Another thing they noticed during the restrictive phase was a dramatic increase in anxiety, depression, and OCD tendencies. Once the rehabilitation phases began, these mental changes were not automatically reversed. In fact, for most, they worsened. The once happy and healthy men became irritable, unmotivated, highly sensitive, argumentative, scared, guilty, and sad. For some, the development of mental illness followed them well into the rest of their lives.

Throughout my experience, I have discovered that many people are, or have become, much better educated on these kind of initial effects of eating disorders. A lot of what I have talked about, people already know or could assume. The research I will share next, I believe, is much less known or talked about. However, I think it is even more important to share, especially for those in recovery who may be feeling like me.

Like they are

loosing

their

freaking

mind

:)

Once in the rehabilitation phase, one of the first things discovered was the development of possessiveness over food. The men worried about people sharing a bite, eating their meals, or worse, restricting their food again.

I am about to get real vulnerable for the sake of possibly helping you feel less alone if you have experienced this sort of possessiveness in recovery. I have been in recovery for just about a year, and at times, I still feel this way. Just a couple of months ago, my boyfriend and I were at a wedding for a friend, and they were serving Italian wedding soup. As I was eating my soup, my boyfriend took a couple of meatballs from my bowl and ate them. Is that a big deal? Literally not at all. But the once-starved part of my brain started freaking out! I felt so possessive and crazy over A COUPLE MEATBALLS! I have been in recovery long enough to be able to acknowledge that part of my brain, have compassion for it, and tell it that everything is okay, but just because I have learned how to do so doesn’t mean it still doesn’t happen. And yes, I do feel crazy when it happens, but learning about this experiment helps me to see that I am not just a freak. This is a normal response post-starvation. It takes time to trust that food is available and doesn’t have to be something that is guarded or protected.

Another thing they discovered was a period of extreme hunger experienced by the men. In recovery, extreme hunger can be defined as the inability to satisfy one’s craving for food regardless of the filling up of one’s stomach. Some of these individuals continued to experience extreme hunger for up to two years after their rehabilitation.

Again, this is hard for me to share, but I do so because I wish I had someone to relate to as I experience this in my own recovery. Periods of extreme hunger have reduced significantly over the last year for me, but I still engage in insatiable eating at times. There have been days where I have eaten extreme amounts because my brain simply cannot stop telling me to. No matter how much I consume, it does not feel like enough to satisfy the hunger inside me. This is especially difficult for someone who links food consumption to extreme guilt. Days where extreme hunger gets the best of me are incredibly dark days. I have canceled plans, isolated, and engaged in dramatic eating disorder behaviors to try to compensate for the disgust I feel for myself after eating. The eating is still scary, and with that, the feeling of not wanting to stop is terrifying. It is especially hard for me now, being in a weight-restored body. I often tell myself I should be past this stage of recovery because my body is getting sufficient nutrition. I am incredibly embarrassed by the feeling of extreme hunger, but as I learn from this study, I am trying to develop more compassion for that starving part of me that still exists inside. I, as well as many others recovering from anorexia, were starved for a substantial amount of time. As unfortunate as it sometimes feels, it is natural for the body to respond this way even after months or years of recovery.

Along with episodes of extreme hunger, I often feel a sense of urgency and panic around eating. With every meal, I can tell there is something inside of me rushing to eat as fast as possible and get as much as I can in case of another period of famine. This is something I have to choose to quiet and be conscious of nearly every single day. It takes frequent conversations inside my own head to reassure myself that I will not be starved again and that I can eat each meal mindfully and calmly.

There were many other food-related abnormalities they noticed at the conclusion of this experiment. The participants were observed developing hyperfixation meals, chewing excessive amounts of gum, over-salting or seasoning their food, and continuing to experience food obsession for months and years to follow.

All of these things still heavily pertain to me. I eat the same Cubbys salad as often as my budget allows, and I almost daily eat a container of cut-up mango from Trader Joes. Without extreme monitoring, I could easily chew up to 3 packs of gum a day. I often chew two pieces at a time, and I even have to do it throughout the night, or else I am unable to sleep. The other day, I was sitting alone in a Cafe Rio when I was approached by a stranger I did not know who commented on how much salt I had added to my salad. These are all things I tell very few people because of the embarrassment and shame I feel about them, but part of why I chose to write this blog is to create understanding and normalize the reality of recovery.

As much as I sometimes hate it, recovery truly is such a long process. I had a conversation with my dietitian recently about how I feel like I will never feel normal again.

“When is this going to get better? When will I feel normal again?” I asked her.

She brought up this experiment that we have talked about a number of other times over the past year.

“These men were semi-starved for a period of 6 months, and their rehabilitation took up to two years. You were severely starved for multiple years, and because so your recovery will not happen as quickly as you hope.”

She told me I am realistically looking at a 7-year journey to a fully healed relationship with food. That was hard to hear, but at the same time, it validated where I am currently. It validated the craziness I feel and the loneliness I experience as someone who has such a damaged relationship with food.

I am learning each day to give myself a little more grace and a little more credit for the work I am continually doing to achieve recovery. Please try to do the same! If you experience difficulty with food, I hope you know and tell yourself that it is not a reflection of who you are. It does not mean you are undisciplined or lazy. It does not mean you are crazy or there is something wrong with you. Food holds no moral value. Eating is not something to feel guilty for. This goes for everyone. Whether you have experienced a diagnosed eating disorder or you experience the effects of an extremely diet-focused society that has corrupted, dare I say, the majority of the population, a relationship with food, I believe, is one of the hardest relationships we must learn to manage during life. Give yourself some grace if you have not perfectly figured out how to do so.

One of the men interviewed after the experiment said this: “I don't know many other things in my life that I looked forward to being over with any more than this experiment. And it wasn't so much … because of the physical discomfort, but because it made food the most important thing in one's life … food became the one central and only thing really in one's life. And life is pretty dull if that's the only thing.”

Let’s choose to live a life not dulled by a preoccupation with food.

Let’s choose to fill life with people and places, excitement and spontaneity, connection and exploration.

Choose to rule your own life, not to be ruled.

Choose to eat the damn food.