You don’t choose your weight

The world says, “You choose what you look like”

The world says, “Your weight is an indication of your health, discipline, and activity”

The world says, “Any body you want can be achieved by following x, y, z.”

It wasn’t until my adult life I even questioned the validity of what the world was telling me. I saw girls on Instagram and in fashion ads with a certain idealistic body, so obviously, I could make mine look like that too.

With enough work, I could make the gap between my thighs big enough, and I could slim down my face. I could have Pilates arms and Gracie Abrams abs. If I really, really tried, I could have just the right proportions, rest in the sweet spot of thinness, and for once feel like my body was worthy.

The truth, and the hard pill I’ve had to swallow, is that “You don’t get to choose your weight.”

The first time I was told this during treatment, I thought it was the stupidest thing I had ever heard. I thought it was just more bullshit my dietitian told me to justify the weight she was making me gain. During the early stages of my recovery, I saw everything as a threat and thought I knew better than everyone else. I remember telling my dietitian, “Of course you get to choose your weight! I choose to be “healthy” and thin, and you are going to choose to feed me all this crap and make me fat.” Then, as the weight restoration process began, so did the bargaining.

“Fine, I will gain x amount of weight, but that’s it, and as soon as I reach x pounds, that will be where I stop.”

Then she would say to me, “We can see how your body is reacting and functioning at that weight and then decide if that will be where you stop or if you still have more to gain.”

“What do you mean “still have more to gain?” We are in control here!! We can decide!!” But once I reached that magic number where I thought I could happily reside, it was obvious my body wasn’t where it needed to be. Sure, I could choose to live below my set point, but then I would be choosing to have the side effects of an undernourished body.

Your body’s set point is the weight where your body likes to be and where it can optimally function. Everyone has one, and not everyone is the same. Indicators of a healthy set point weight are balanced hormones, regular periods for women, hunger-fullness cues, proper organ function, adequate energy, and the ability to live life not consumed by food, just to name a few. Living below your set point means potentially putting these things in jeopardy.

According to NEDA, the National Eating Disorder Association, “Even if everyone started eating the same things and did the same amount of exercise, we would not all look the same. This is because each person’s genetic inheritance influences their bone structure, body size, shape, and weight differently.”

This is true, and yet we live in a world that refuses to believe it. Contrary to what’s found on social media, you actually can’t just “it girl” your way into the body you want. I feel like I am constantly bombarded by weight loss content, dieting content, gym content, and a million other things that promote fighting against this scientific truth that,

maybe my body is just supposed to look the way that it does.

For my entire teenage life, I wanted super thin legs and a slimmer face. I fixated constantly on those parts of my body and obsessed over how I could change them. I was doing what I thought was all the right things. I exercised regularly, ran cross country, enjoyed balanced meals that included good whole foods, and yet the scale stayed the same. My thighs remained a little bigger than I liked, and my wide smile and round cheeks still haunted me.

After high school and in my early young adult years, I did finally achieve what I wanted. I did lose all the weight in my face and had those super skinny legs that I had always longed for. But the only way I ever attained and maintained my specific ideal body was by starving myself.

I can have thin legs, and I can have a perfectly flat stomach, and I can have cheekbones that stick out to Alaska, but not without paying a price.

It has taken time, but I am slowly starting to believe and accept that I don’t have to be constantly pursuing the unattainable.

Because that is what it is

Unattainable.

Trying to force your body to look a way that it was never meant to look will only lead to a life of obsession, disappointment, and dissatisfaction.

There is a place where your body is happy. There is a place where your body is safe. There is a big, daunting world that constantly tries to persuade you of something else, and it is extremely difficult not to give in to its lure. However, contentment resides in acceptance.

Believe me, I HATE acceptance. I am TERRIBLE at acceptance!!! It takes work. It takes patience. It takes grace. It takes humility. Those are all things I am trying to work on. I wish I could change the science and the facts, but since I can’t, I am trying to accept and share what I have come to learn with others.

Your body is your body, and it is okay. It is a wonderful, beautiful, miraculous creation. It doesn’t have to look like hers or his or anyone else. It doesn’t have to fit a certain standard. It is worthy regardless of size, shape, flaws, or imperfections. It is worthy of being nourished, cared for, rested, and appreciated. It is worthy and you are worthy and don’t let the world convince you otherwise.