All Lights Turned Off Can Be Turned On
Two years ago I tried my first attempt at recovery. I was admitted to a residential treatment center where I stayed for about three months. During those three months, I met a lot of people who are very special to me now. One of those people is my friend Clara. Clara and I were in the residential unit together for probably about a month. Since the moment she arrived my life there lit up. She is the kind of person who can somehow just bottle up goodness and then release it everywhere she goes. She has a contagious smile, an infectious laugh, and the strength of a soldier. She is amazing.
Part of my experience in treatment consisted of attending different therapy sessions each day. Some were individual with just me and my therapist and some sessions were with the whole group. One of the specific therapies we would do as a group was music. Once a week we would have a class where we would either listen to or play different instruments and songs to help us distract from the relentless nagging of our eating disorders. I love music and since we had very limited time on our cell phones I cherished the hour of just sitting and listening and feeling somewhat normal.
On listening days we would take turns requesting whatever song we wanted to hear. Another thing you should know about my friend Clara is that she loves Noah Kahan and at this time stick season had just been released. Prior to this album, I had heard and really liked one or two of his songs but had no idea he had anything new out. The therapist played his song titled “Come Over” and maybe at the time I was just high off of Tums and Gas-X but I swear it was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard. His voice and the lyrics were like two arms wrapping me in a much-needed comforting hug. I had been away from everything I knew and loved for over a month at this point. I was facing my biggest fear every day. I was so tired, so overwhelmed, so scared but for 3 minutes and 17 seconds, I felt some peace.
The first line of the second verse says “I’m in the process of clearing out cobwebs.” Those were words I clung to as I tried to clear out the cobwebs my eating disorder had tangled around me.
I stayed tangled for a long time. Clara left, I listened to the whole album, I eventually was discharged, I immediately relapsed. My time in treatment became a memory, but whenever I played Noah Kahan I thought about her and how glad I was she requested that song. It continued to give me the same feeling of peace whenever I was struggling.
Like I said that was almost two years ago. A lot has changed since then. A lot of good things. I relapsed hard but am getting it back together. Clara is a freaking rock star and is about to have a baby girl next month. Life is still hard but it’s so much better. I am really proud of us and everything we are doing now.
Now because of recovery, I am capable of doing things again. My life is more than just food and fear and isolation. There is fun now, and happiness. Because of recovery, I got to see Noah Kahan in concert last week instead of listening to him in my doctor’s office. I got to buy a hotdog and spend a night with my friends. It took a lot of work to get to that point but I’m so glad I did it.
If you are in the middle of the fight I encourage you to keep going. I promise it is worth it. I know it is scary. I know it feels so big. But there is a life out there for you waiting to be lived. There are concerts you are supposed to go to, friends you are supposed to make, and opportunities you are supposed to have. There is a song Noah wrote titled “Call Your Mom” and in it, he sings “All lights turned off, can be turned on.” I know that is true. You have not lost to your eating disorder. You are not hopeless. Regardless of what you believe you can recover. The lights can be turned on and overcome the darkness you feel now. Another line from that same song goes “Oh dear don’t be discouraged. I’ve been exactly where you are.” There were so many times I felt hopeless or that recovery was never possible. It can be such a long road that feels completely never ending but I’m here to promise you that if I can eat the damn food, so can you. <3