I’m So Glad I Didn’t Die

Recently I have really really really wanted to relapse.

I hate saying that because I try very hard to shine a positive light on recovery whenever I post. I try to be an advocate for healing, overcoming, eating, and growing but lately, I haven’t wanted to do those things myself. As damaging and harmful as eating disorders are, they do serve a purpose. Mine gives me a sense of control, of security. It makes me feel safe. It makes me feel like I am doing something well.

When I was deep in my disorder, I became a master at starving myself and felt like I was good at nothing else but that. I hate to admit it, but my eating disorder gave me a feeling of superiority. I am an insecure person. I always have been. Being able to do something that no one else around me was doing felt good. There was a time when losing weight, being sick, and depriving my body had me on top of the world.

Now nine months into recovery, it is easy for me to forget how horrible anorexia is and instead remember those highs that I experienced.

But when it comes down to it, I almost died.

Anorexia nearly took my life multiple times, and the reality is, that it is selfish and delusional of me to want to toy with that possibility again.

There is a quote I love that goes like this, “When gratitude fills our hearts, there is no room for unhappiness.” I know I have a lot of things to be grateful for and at the top of that list is the fact that my life was preserved despite a detrimental illness.

I do believe that gratitude is a powerful opponent to grief so for today’s post that is what I want to focus on.

I’m so glad I didn’t die.

I’m so glad I didn’t die before seeing my older brother marry the best sister-in-law in the world. I’m so glad I didn’t die before watching the Utes beat USC in the Pac 12 championship game. I’m glad I was alive to discover Trader Joe’s peanut butter puffs and Cubby’s sweet potato fries. I’m grateful I was still around to see my little brother leave on his mission and that I’ll be here to see him come home. I’m grateful I didn’t die before my sister and I realized we were actually best friends. I’m grateful I stayed alive to start school and meet the coolest guy with rockstar hair and an awesome band who was my friend when he didn’t even know how much I needed one. I’m grateful I didn’t die before learning how much I could love a boy from California with the same caffeine addiction and sense of humor as me. I’m glad I didn’t die so I could run again and feel how happy it makes my body feel. I’m grateful I didn’t die before I got to work at a summer camp and feel God’s love every single day. I’m grateful I’m alive in a world where Sara is also alive. I’m grateful I didn’t die before hearing my favorite songs, watching my favorite movies, and reading my favorite books. I’m so glad I’m here to watch my best friend Niki fall in love. I’m glad I’m alive to see the rise of Chappell Roan and that I can dance to all the songs I want to.

I’m so glad I didn’t just get 20 years.

As difficult as it can be sometimes, I know I am privileged to eat the damn food. I am lucky for a second chance at my life. I’m grateful to be on the path of recovery and I am going to keep walking down that road even when it’s uncomfortable to.