I Hate Math

I have never liked math.

However,

Math became what every day of my life consisted of.

My brain was a collection of numbers, equations, adding, and subtracting. Constantly negotiating, planning, solving, and obsessing. I have been hyper-aware of and extremely familiar with calories for as long as I can remember. In high school, you could have held up and asked me about any household pantry item, and I could have given you the exact serving size and calorie number listed on the package.

Oreos, 140 for two. Peanut butter, 190 for two tablespoons. Fruit Smiles fruit snacks, 80 for a pouch. I knew everything.

As I got older my obsession with these numbers only grew. I didn’t just know them but I held on to them. I clung to them. I tracked them and watched them like a rambunctious toddler I couldn’t let out of my sight. If I didn’t know the number of something I wouldn’t eat it. Even at restaurants where the calories were listed, I couldn’t trust their accuracy and I refused to take any sort of risk.

I kept journals where I could do all my tracking. I would always have one with me because it made me feel safe. Nothing was ever not accounted for or missed. At the end of the day, I could look at every single thing I had put into my body and ensure it stayed within the parameters my eating disorder had set.

I decided I was done living in notebooks. My obsession with food forced me out of the world and into a perpetual state of isolation and fear. Life was going on around me but I had absolutely no part in any of it. I was alive but I was not living.

I wish someone could wave a magic wand over my head and make me forget all the numbers. Forget how many calories are in a hot fudge sundae pop-tart (my favorite treat) or how many Cheetos are deemed an appropriate serving size. I wish I didn’t have a number to compare how fast I could run a mile to and I wish the numbers on my pants meant nothing to me. Unfortunately, I can’t just forget and I still really care but like I said I hate math. I hate math and I hate basing my life, happiness, and worth on numbers.

It didn’t happen overnight but eventually, I stopped all the tracking. It started by deciding to try a few bites of the homemade Venezuelan food my friend at work brought for everyone. There was no ingredient list, no nutrition facts, it wasn’t a number I was consuming, it was just food.

Then I had my cousin come over and black out all the calories on everything in my house. I still knew a lot of them, but seeing the black Sharpie reminded me I wanted to stop the counting.

I ate meals at restaurants I had never been to, tried food that the people I love had made, I engaged instead of avoided, and slowly realized I was gaining an active roll in my life rather than the passive one I was so used to.

You were never born to spend your entire life doing math. That’s what a calculator is for. You are a human being. So eat the damn food.