Pants That Fit!!

I got really used to shopping in the kids section.

I remember going to the mall with my sister and my mom was one of my favorite things to do before my eating disorder, but while I was in the thick of it, it just made me sad. I couldn’t buy anything from any of the stores I used to like. Everything that I thought looked cute wouldn’t fit me. I looked silly. I looked like a little girl who snuck into her mom’s closet while she wasn’t home to try on her clothes.

But I wasn’t a little girl. I was 21.

I was 21 and the only place I could find clothes was in the kids section of Zara and Target. I remember on those shopping trips looking around at the other girls my age and wishing I was like them. I wished I looked my age and that I could wear the things I wanted to wear. I felt so behind and honestly so childish.

I don’t think berating yourself is ever a very effective way of initiating change so that wasn’t what was helpful. However, seeing those girls and wanting those clothes motivated me. I remember putting on a dress, standing in front of the fitting room mirror, and telling my mom “I want to recover so I can wear this.”

A mistake that can often be made about anorexia is that it has everything to do with what your body looks like. Am I insecure and self-conscious about that? Yes. Absolutely. But when I was in the very depths of my eating disorder it was about so much more than just that. I genuinely wanted to have a body that could fit those clothes, but the food just seemed too scary. I literally did not know how to eat. It felt impossible.

The idea of those clothes didn’t just magically take the fear away or give me some insane courage, but it was one of the things that helped me slowly start to take control back. I kept a list of all the benefits that recovery would have on my life and would review it over and over again when the fear felt too strong. My eating disorder liked to lie to me and tell me none of them were worth it, but that constant repetition eventually started to stick and ring true.

Then on April 8th, about three months into my all in recovery, I walked into that same store in the mall and bought my first pair of shorts that actually fit. The girls working there probably thought I was insane because I was crying over a pair of denim shorts but I was so overwhelmed with emotions. I was scared because this was evidence that I really was changing and that my eating disorder was starting to lose. But more than that, I was so damn proud of myself. Which is really freaking hard for me to say. But those shorts fit and I did what I told my mom I wanted to do.

I called her in the parking lot and we shared in the excitement together. It’s a silly pair of denim shorts, but it’s something I’ll never forget.

Watching your body change is so scary. Letting go of something you’ve clung so tight to for so long is so scary. But now for me, the thought of not having swag clothes is scarier so I eat the damn food.